


Smells Like Teen Spirit

by JenTheSweetie



Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Age Regression/De-Aging, Crack, Gen, M/M, No Angst, all fluff, all relationships are between adults only, who doesn't need something pointless and lighthearted these days honestly
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-08
Updated: 2019-07-08
Packaged: 2020-06-24 12:43:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,363
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19723915
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JenTheSweetie/pseuds/JenTheSweetie
Summary: Because that’s what the magic explosion had done: it had turned all of his friends into hormonal, pimpled, unbelievably obnoxious teenagers.When he called Fury to ask for advice, Fury laughed, hung up on him, called him back just to laugh some more, and then said, “If nobody’s dying, Stark, I really don’t care” and hung up again.Tony wondered vaguely who he had pissed off, besides all the usual suspects.  This felt more as though he’d pissed somebody off in, like, a cosmic way.





	Smells Like Teen Spirit

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you to Snapjack for literally ALL the prompts.

"I swear to _God_ I am going to reprogram all the doors in this house so they don't slam," announced Tony. "If I hear one more slammed door, you’re all in trouble! Jesus Christ I can't take any more adolescence around here."

All Tony got in response was silence. 

And then - and really, Tony should have predicted this, he was a goddamn _genius_ , after all - a slammed door.

-

Here’s how it happened: there was a call to assemble, and there was a guy doing magic, and there was an explosion. So, you know, typical.

When Tony frantically sat up and wrenched his facemask off he found that, while he was not currently living his _biggest_ nightmare, he was living a totally _different_ nightmare that he never could have imagined because _you literally could not make this shit up_ , and that’s how he ended up standing alone in the hallway of Stark Tower glaring at five closed doors and wondering how the hell he was going to get five teenaged Avengers to eat dinner.

Because that’s what the magic explosion had done: it had turned all of his friends into _kids_. They were sixteen, maybe a tall fifteen in a few cases, and while Tony was relieved they’d all taken it in stride when he’d told them they were actually adults and, oh yeah, _superheroes_ , that didn’t change the fact that he was now supervising a tower full of hormonal, pimpled, unbelievably obnoxious teenagers. 

When he called Fury to ask for advice, Fury laughed, hung up on him, called him back just to laugh some more, and then said, “If nobody’s dying, Stark, I really don’t care” and hung up again.

Maria Hill took slightly more pity on him. She confirmed that SHIELD was researching the magic at play and they were “pretty sure” the effects were temporary (which, wow, talk about reassuring), and then she ordered fifteen pizzas, and _then_ she hung up on him.

Tony wondered vaguely who he had pissed off, besides all the usual suspects. This felt more as though he’d pissed somebody off in, like, a cosmic way.

None of the kids (oh, _god_ ) had emerged from their rooms by the time the pizza arrived, so Tony set everything up, leaned back in his chair, and just waited. Frankly, he’d have happily locked them all in their rooms until they grew up, but JARVIS said that was unkind and not a long-term solution and also that he’d show the footage to Steve when they were adults again, so Tony eventually caved and called out over the comms system, “Dinner’s on the table, last one out does the dishes.”

While this did have the intended effect of getting the team out of their rooms, it also had the unfortunate byproduct of creating a scuffle at the table as each of them tried their damndest _not_ to be the last one to sit down, a sort of violent musical chairs that ended only when Natasha grabbed a plastic fork and aimed it at Clint’s crotch so pointedly that he held his hands up in the universal sign for “I give” and accepted his fate.

“Okay,” Tony said as they began to devour the food as if they’d been starving in the desert for three months, “so here’s the thing. I have literally zero experience with kids, and - ”

“We’re not kids,” Steve interrupted, an assertion belied by the fact that his voice hadn’t dropped yet.

“Sorry, _teenagers_ ,” Tony corrected, “so you guys are gonna need to tell me what the deal is. You need something, I’ll take care of it, but you have to tell me. All right? That’s how it goes when you’re adults, too, so it’s not a problem.”

“So you’ll get me anything I need?” Clint said.

  
“Sure. Whatever you need.”

Clint grinned. “Can you get me a beer?” 

It was Tony’s first lesson in what happens when you walk straight into a teenager’s trap, but it would not be his last. “No I cannot, because that’s illegal.”

“I thought you said I’m actually an adult,” Clint argued. 

“If you’re actually an adult, you probably have an ID,” Natasha pointed out. “You can buy your own beer.”

“Oh, sweet!” Clint said. “Nevermind then.”

“Nobody’s buying beer,” Tony started, which was rich considering he’d definitely started drinking when he was younger than they were now, but that was the _point_ , “and - ”

“Do children not drink on Midgard?” Thor said, frowning. 

“They’re not supposed to,” Bruce said. “Do they drink where you’re from?”

“Only after battle,” Thor said. 

“All right, this conversation has gotten away from us,” Tony said. “Does anybody _actually_ need anything? No? Then shut up and eat your pizza.”

There was a blessed thirty second silence while they all chewed. And then - 

“Why do we live with an alien?” Clint said around a mouthful of cheese.

“I’m probably teaching you all to fight,” Thor said smugly. “Your weaponry on this planet is extremely basic. You’re in desperate need of my expertise.”

“What kind of weapons do _you_ have?” Natasha asked with interest.

“Weapons are off topic at the dinner table,” Tony said.

“So if we can’t talk about beer and we can’t talk about weapons, what _can_ we talk about?” Clint said.

“Literally anything else,” Tony said. “I mean, not _anything_ , but - ”

“Why does my bedroom have reinforced steel doors?” Bruce said. 

“Let’s cross that bridge if we come to it,” Tony said desperately. “What do you say we get some candy and soda and watch a movie? I have a big-screen TV, I _know_ none of you have those.” 

“Something R-rated?” Clint said.

“Anything you want,” Tony said, and luckily for him, bribery really does work.

-

Agent Coulson showed up bright and early the next morning, and Tony nearly wept with relief.

“Okay, a few things I’ve learned that’ll save you some time,” he said in place of a greeting. “One: do _not_ give Barton coffee. Two: Thor doesn’t like alarm clocks, he will break _everything_ until he figures out how to stop the beeping. Two subsection A, they _all_ break things, there has been a lot more breakage around here than I’m used to, which is weird considering normally I live with the Hulk - ”

“I’m sorry, what exactly is it you think I’m doing here?” Coulson interrupted.

“You’re taking them off my hands,” Tony said.

“Uh, no,” Coulson said. “I just came to get your mission report.”

“I’m sorry,” Tony said, “my _mission report_? You think I had time to take down a mission report? I’ve been babysitting!”

“We’re not babies,” Clint said, his too-long bathrobe trailing behind him as he wandered out from the kitchen.

“You’re right, babies wouldn’t be so destructive to my kitchen pantry. They eat like _crazy_.”

“They’re growing boys,” Coulson said blandly. “And girl,” he added as Natasha stuck her head around the corner, followed by the others. “Wow. This _is_ weird.”

“You work for that SHIELD thing?” Clint said around half a mouthful of poptart.

“I do,” Coulson said. 

“So do you know how long we’re going to be like this?” Bruce asked, pushing his too-large glasses up his nose.

“We have a team working on an analysis, but no. Not yet. Not that it’s anything to worry about,” he added, just in case Bruce started to go a little green.

“And you don’t think you can fix us?” Steve said.

“Not just at the moment, Ca - Steve. Thor, do you think anyone from Asgard could help us out?”

“Possibly,” Thor said. “But if I call Heimdall looking like this when he knows me as a grown warrior, I’ll never hear the end of it. I’m sure it’ll wear off soon enough.”

“Seriously, what is the _deal_ with the alien?” Clint groaned. 

“‘Alien’ is actually somewhat offensive, you know,” Thor said. “Where I’m from, _you’re_ all aliens.”

“Are you sure you don’t want to take them back to SHIELD?” Tony wheedled. “I’m sure you could do a lot of fun superspy science on them.”

“We’re good,” Coulson said. “We leaked a report that everybody came out of the fight pretty banged up so nobody will be suspicious if they just stay home for a few days. Keep them out of sight and alive, and we’ll sort it out soon.” 

“I’m definitely not qualified for this,” Tony said. “Nobody has ever even left me alone with a plant, much less a bunch of _kids_.”

“They’re sixteen years old,” Coulson said. “They can take care of themselves.”

“Told you,” Clint muttered.

“Oh, and I have a note here from Fury.” Coulson pulled out a folded up piece of paper. “Don’t let anybody get anybody pregnant.”

“It won’t be a problem,” Natasha said smoothly. “I’d rather make out with a warthog than any of these guys.”

Bruce and Steve looked appropriately uncomfortable; Thor looked dubious; Clint shrugged as if to say, _Not surprised_.

“Well, if that’s settled,” Coulson said, sliding the note back into his pocket. 

“I can’t believe you’re doing this to me,” Tony whined.

“Consider it a team bonding exercise,” Coulson said. “Best of luck, Stark.”

And the worst part of it, Tony thought, was that he was _smiling_.

-

Over the next 24 hours, there were a few… incidents. 

They found out that the Hulk had indeed joined Bruce for the ride, and that he was brought out not by rage but by excruciating embarrassment, which Tony discovered when he accidentally walked in on Bruce taking advantage of the internet in the way teenage boys always have and always will. Luckily, the teenaged Hulk didn’t try to smash anything; unluckily, in his attempts to hide in the closet, he knocked down two doors and severely dented a load-bearing wall.

At one point, Natasha inexplicably burst into tears, and all of them stared at her in paralyzed, abject horror until she ran to her bedroom. Tony had JARVIS delete all footage from local and backup servers, and made the boys swear never to mention it again, which they did without question.

Thor accidentally caused a lightning storm over Long Island. Tony considered grounding him for it, but honestly, it was kind of cool. 

Clint stayed up all night playing video games, which wasn’t actually that unusual for Clint. In fact, teenage Clint was the most like the adult version, which was somehow both a burn and not a burn at all. Clint helped with the dishes, spilled cheetos all over the couch, told Bruce his glasses didn’t look too big at all and he shouldn’t worry about it, and somehow found the bow that Tony had confiscated and set up a miniature archery range in his bedroom. Tony really, really liked him.

And then there was Steve. Steve, who was _so_ much smaller than his Project Rebirth file had indicated, who challenged Thor and his Steve’s-head-sized biceps for the last donut, who watched _Die Hard_ on the 92” flatscreen with an innocently thrilled expression that Tony had never seen before - _that_ Steve came marching out of his room, stood uneasily at Tony’s side until he looked up, and then said, “I don’t think I’m supposed to be here.”

“I agree, you’re supposed to be in bed,” Tony said, setting aside his tablet. “Lights out was ten minutes ago.”

“No, I mean… here. In the tower. With all of you.”

“Uh,” Tony said. “What makes you say that?”

“The clothes in my closet,” Steve said. “They’re not mine.”

“Hate to break it to you considering they’re all hideous, but yeah, they are.”

  
“That’s not possible,” Steve said.

“What do you mean?”

“I mean I think you got the wrong kid,” Steve said. “You should be out looking for - for the real kid. You don’t have to worry about me - I can take care of myself.”

Steve set his jaw and frowned, and the look was so _Steve_ that Tony did the worst thing he possibly could do in that moment and burst out laughing. 

Steve’s eyes hardened. “That’s what I thought. If you don’t mind, I’ll just get back to Brooklyn. Good luck with getting all the others to grow up.”

“No - Steve,” Tony said, wincing as Steve turned on his heel and headed for the elevator. “ _Steve_. Hang on. I’m sorry, I - it’s you, okay? I promise, you’re definitely him.”

Steve glanced back, still glaring stubbornly. “With all due respect, I don’t think I am. The doc says I might put on a few more inches, but I don’t think I’ve got a foot and a half to go, and that’s what I’d need to wear any of those clothes.”

“You’d be surprised,” Tony said. “Seriously, Steve, I know y - I know the grown-up you pretty well, and you’re a lot like him. A _lot_.”

Steve looked uncertain. “It just doesn’t seem like I really belong around here.”

“That’s funny, because you know what?” Tony said. “Normally, you’re in charge.”

Steve blinked at him. “Me?”

“You’re the boss of all of us. Even me, on a good day.”

“Really?” 

“Really. But don’t tell the other kids I said that.”

Steve frowned. “So how’d I get so big?” 

“It’s kind of a long story,” Tony said. “Wait a few more days and you’ll remember it yourself.”

“Okay,” Steve said. “If you’re sure.”

“Steve,” Tony said. “Believe me. You’re two peas in a pod with the guy who wears those clothes. Just a little bit smaller.”

“More than a little bit,” Steve called over his shoulder as he headed back down the hall.

-

It was just past noon the next day when JARVIS piped up, “Sir, I believe we may have a problem.”

“Oh, god,” Tony said. “A call to assemble? _Now_?”

“Not exactly,” JARVIS said. “Agent Romanov and Mr. Odinson have just left the tower. I believe they’re hailing a cab.”  


“Shit,” Tony said. He threw down his blowtorch, headed for the hallway, ran back to turn _off_ his blowtorch, and burst into the living room so loudly that Bruce dropped his Xbox controller.

“Who knows where they went?” he snapped at Bruce, Steve and Clint.

“Who?” Clint said blankly.

“The only other two people who live here who aren’t in this room!” Tony yelled, exasperated. “Thor and Natasha!”

“Oh, them,” Clint said. “They said they were going to the mall, I think.”

“To the _mall_?”

Clint shrugged. “They were tired of being cooped up inside.”

“So they went to a _mall_?”  


“I mean, where else are teenagers supposed to go?” Clint said.

“Oh my god - JARVIS, where’s the nearest mall?”

“Sending you a list of the most likely locations, sir.”

“Can we come too?” Bruce said.

“No,” Tony said immediately.

“So you’re leaving us here alone?” Clint said, delighted.

Tony closed his eyes. He had fought terrorists, aliens, gods, and even his own inner demons. This was totally doable. “What do you guys know about disguises?”

-

The answer, it turned out, was “enough” - baseball caps did a lot of heavy lifting for high schoolers - and before long Tony was rushing Steve, Bruce and Clint into the back of a Range Rover and thanking the god of scheduling it wasn’t Happy’s day off. 

After Happy dropped them at Columbus Circle - “Just drive around the block, and send up a flare if you see any paparazzi or kids who look like they might grow up to save the world” - Tony led the boys into the bustling shopping center. “Okay, so where do teenagers hang out at the mall?”

“Food court,” Clint said.

“Really, or are you just saying that because you’re hungry?”

“Both,” Clint said, completely without shame.

The line at Hot Dog On a Stick was blessedly short, and by the time Clint had scarfed down his corn dog Tony had a plan. “We’re sticking together and clearing one store at a time, all right? You guys know how to search an area for a target, that knowledge is buried in there somewhere, let’s dig it out, all right?”

Clint burped. “Yeah, all right. Wanna start with GameStop?”

“Why do they have a whole store just for apples?” Steve asked, squinting at a directory.

“I think people are looking at us,” Bruce whispered to Tony.

“Hi,” Tony said, waving to some guy who was probably live-tweeting their enormously suspicious conversation. “Just a little charity shopping trip. Are you interested in making a donation?”

“Macy’s!” Steve said triumphantly. “I know that one!”

-

They started on the first floor and worked their way up. Steve stared at everything in awe and kept getting distracted by escalators; Bruce seemed hyper-aware of the way the crowd parted for them (well, for Tony) and tried to disappear into his too-large jacket; and Clint, bless his soul, was the only one brave enough to accompany Tony into Victoria’s Secret. Tony was going to buy the kid a Lambo when he got old again.

“What if they’re not here?” Steve said as they started on the third floor.

“Then we’re all in a lot of trouble,” Tony said, poking his head into a Bath and Body Works and withdrawing immediately due to the smell. “Come on, you guys should be better than this, what do teenagers like to do at the mall?”

“Try on clothes,” Clint said. “Hold hands. Steal shit.”

“Oh my god, if they get arrested for shoplifting Fury is going to have me executed,” Tony said.

“You really think Natasha would get _caught_?” Clint snorted.

“What’s this one?” Bruce said, pausing outside a Hot Topic.

“It’s for goths, I think,” Tony said. “Do you have goths? It doesn’t matter - oh thank fucking _god_.”

From the very back of the Hot Topic, Thor, apparently hearing his name, looked up. “Hello!” he said cheerfully. “You’ve come to join us!”

“I hope you brought some cash,” Natasha said. She was chewing gum and holding up a Little Mermaid t-shirt as if checking for size. 

“No,” Tony said, snatching a Princess Leia Funko Pop out of Thor’s hand and putting it back on the shelf. “You sneak out, you don’t get any toys.”

“Oh, come on,” Clint said. He pulled on a Slipknot beanie and grinned. “This stuff is awesome. And didn’t you say this was a charity shopping trip?”

Tony took a deep, cleansing breath. These were his teammates. His friends. He loved them. He wanted them to be happy. He did not, under any circumstances, want to kill them.

“Okay,” he said. “But you get _one_ thing each. Choose wisely.”

Somehow Tony ended up purchasing sixteen things at Hot Topic, but it was a small price to pay to get them all out of the store and back down to the street. Tony called Happy, but when the other man picked up he said, “Bad news, boss. I’m stuck behind a puppy parade.”

“A _what_?”

“It’s blocking the street,” Happy said apologetically.

“How long until you get here?”

“Well, I haven’t moved in ten minutes, and there’s a bunch of golden retrievers headed my way, so…”

“Let’s just take the subway,” Natasha said.

“No,” Tony said, “we’re waiting, we’re - ”

“C’mon, didn’t you say you’re a New Yorker?” Steve said, puffing out his chest and heading down the block. “Real New Yorkers take the subway, pal.”

“He’s a _rich_ New Yorker,” Clint said, shoving his bag into Tony’s hands and following Steve. “He wants to wait for his _chauffeur_.”

“You take plenty of advantage of my chauffeur in 20 years, Barton,” Tony snapped as the other kids, even Bruce, followed along. “Bruce, don’t betray me like this, we are _not_ splitting up again - ”

“We’re not splitting up, _you’re_ splitting up,” Clint yelled over his shoulder. 

-

And _that’s_ how Tony ended up carrying a Hot Topic bag on the subway.

-

“You’re all grounded,” Tony said when they got home.

“We were already grounded,” Natasha pointed out.

“Yeah, and I didn’t even do anything,” Clint complained.

“You did plenty of things, Barton,” Tony said. “You, of all people, _never_ have any ground to say you didn’t do anything - okay, new rules! No whining. No shopping. No sneaking out. JARVIS, restrict elevator access for all minors.”

“We’re not technically minors,” Steve said.

“So use your security codes to override me,” Tony said. “Oh, wait. You can’t. Because you don’t remember them. Because you’re a _kid_.”

“Wow,” Clint stage-whispered. “Taunting us for being children. Real mature.”

Tony went to flop down on the couch, but there was already someone there. “What are _you_ doing here?”

“Checking in on you,” Coulson said mildly. “Have a nice trip to the mall?”

“No,” Tony said, pinching the bridge of his nose. “How did you know we were there?”

“We have agents posted at every exit,” Coulson said. “They were never alone.”

“Knowing that creepy SHIELD agents were tailing them does _not_ make me feel better,” Tony said.

“Tony wouldn’t buy me a Terminator action figure,” Clint said immediately.

“What a tragedy,” Coulson said. “There’s chips and guacamole in the kitchen.”

“Oh, fuck yeah,” Clint said, disappearing almost immediately. 

“Language!” Tony called after him as the other kids followed. “End it, Agent. Just do it. One shot. Put me out of my misery.”

“They all seem happy and healthy and alive,” Coulson said. “Seems like you’re doing pretty well. Any of them calling you Dad yet?”

“That’s not funny.”

“Agree to disagree,” Coulson said as Clint came back, trailing chips behind him. 

“So what’s your deal?” Clint said, shoving the chips into Thor’s hands and throwing himself down on the floor in the middle of the room. “Are you, like, our boss or something?”

“Sometimes,” Coulson said. 

“Thor, toss me one of those,” Clint said, and when Thor threw a chip, Clint caught it in his mouth. “What’s that mean, sometimes?”

“I thought _I_ was the boss,” Steve said, frowning.

“ _You’re_ the boss?” Clint said. “Really?”

“What’s so surprising about that?”

“I kind of assumed she was the boss,” Clint said, jerking his head toward Natasha.

Natasha delicately licked a glop of guac from her finger. “Why would I want to be the boss?”

“Why does nobody think _I’m_ the boss?” Tony said grumpily.

The kids all glanced at each other and snorted.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Tony said.

“Do not worry about it,” Thor said, patting him on the shoulder kindly. 

“So if you’re not the boss,” Clint said, turning back to Coulson, “and you’re not one of us, who are you?”

“You can think of me as your handler.”

Clint wiggled his eyebrows. “Handler, huh? Yeah, I can see that you’d be good at _handling_.”

  
Tony choked on a chip. Coulson, to his credit, didn’t even blink. “I don’t get involved with coworkers. Even when they’re of age.”

“Bummer,” Clint said. “What about circus performers? We’re very… bendy.”

“ _Okay_ ,” Tony said, “that’s enough out of you, go to your room.”

“You can’t send me to my room,” Clint said. “You’re not the boss. Steve, do I have to go to my room?”

“Nope,” Steve said.

Tony dropped his head back onto the sofa. “I regret everything.”

-

“J, open up the server,” Tony said, once the rest of the team was ostensibly in bed. “I’m looking for that list of parts I ordered last week, no idea where I ordered it from, pull up my - hey, what are all these?”

“As much as I appreciate the implication that I can read your mind, you’ll need to be more specific, sir,” JARVIS said.

“These deletions,” Tony said. “To our shared server history, what are they - oh. These are things the kids looked up and then asked you to hide, right?”

“Indeed,” JARVIS said. 

“They all figured out how to do it?”

“Except Captain Rogers, sir,” JARVIS said. 

“Anything interesting? Not the porn, I don’t need to know about what kind of porn they liked as teenagers, that would be so weird - ”

“There is quite a lot of porn,” JARVIS said neutrally.

“ - but anything we should be, y’know, worried about?”

“I could pull up each search history and leave blank spaces for searches that were redacted,” JARVIS offered. “Only the histories since their transformation, of course.”

“That feels like an invasion of privacy,” Tony said. “But then again, I went to a _mall_ today, so fuck it, they owe me, bring it up, J.”

Five windows appeared on the holoscreen in front of him:

Steve’s entire search history was adorably typed out in full sentences. He’d searched “Tony Stark” six separate times, which Tony mentally filed away and promised to pull out only if Steve _really_ annoyed him in the future.

Clint mostly seemed to be looking for any videos of himself. Eventually he switched to skateboarding videos, online poker games, and a bunch of hidden results that Tony had to assume was a _lot_ of Pornhub.

Bruce had found footage of the Hulk destroying Harlem, which was too bad, but he’d also watched at least seventeen episodes of Cheers, which was _hilarious_. 

Thor had googled terms ranging from “sneakers” to “McDonald’s” to “hella” to, and Tony _definitely_ didn’t want to know any additional details, “hair removal”. 

Natasha had looked at maps of New York, makeup tutorials on YouTube, a website about how to make switchblades, several Madonna videos, and… “best way to roll a joint”.

45 minutes ago.

“JARVIS,” Tony said.

“Yes, sir.”

“Where are they?”

There was a momentary pause, then: “They’re congregating in Master Odinson’s room.”

Tony pinched the bridge of his nose. “And are there any illicit substances in the air with them?”

“I’m only required to report dangerous chemicals in the Tower, sir, not recreational ones.”

“You’re conspiring with them,” Tony accused, heading for the door. 

“I’m not capable of conspiracy,” JARVIS reminded him, “and, technically, you never revoked their power to ask me not to inform you of something, a right granted to all permanent residents of the Tower.”

“All _adult_ permanent residents,” Tony said, getting out of the elevator and making for Thor’s door. It was closed, but the handle turned under Tony’s touch, so he took a deep breath and opened it.

“Oh, shit,” Clint said, putting something behind his back. “I mean, hey.”

“Hi,” Tony said. “What’s going on in here?”

“Nothing,” Natasha said.

“Nothing, huh?” Tony said. “What’s that smell, then?”

Thor sniffed the air curiously. “What smell?” he said. “I don’t smell anything. Bruce, do you smell anything?”

“I don’t smell anything,” Bruce said. “Clint?”

“What’s a smell?” Clint said.

“Guys,” Tony said. “Come on. I was a teenager once. I get it. It’s fine. Nobody’s in trouble. Just hand it over.”

“I have no idea what you’re referring to,” Steve said, his face all innocence, and then he started coughing, a loud, hacking cough that made them all wince in sympathy. “Just my asthma,” he said between deep breaths.

“Yeah, Stark, what’s got you all riled up?” Clint said. “You should chill out. Like, really chill. You know. Just go with the flow. The flowwww.”

“Clint,” Natasha said, shooting him a look that was probably meant to be subtle but which was, instead, extremely obvious. 

“What do you have behind your back, Clint?” Tony said.

“My… butt?” Clint said.

Bruce snorted. Steve shoved his fist against his mouth and giggled. Thor threw his head back and let out a booming laugh.

“Man, you guys are so baked,” Tony said. 

“Busted,” Clint said, and then he tipped over onto the floor cackling.

Natasha looked amused as the boys fell into hysterics around her. “Sorry.”

“Where’d you get it?” Tony said, grabbing what remained of the joint out of Clint’s hand.

“Guy at the mall sold it to us,” Natasha said. 

“Oh my god, you guys bought weed at the mall,” Tony said. “You are truly living the suburban American teenage experience.”

“For the record, I was against it,” Steve said, holding up a finger, and then they all burst into fresh peals of laughter. 

“Apparently not _that_ against it,” Tony said. 

“It’s supposed to be medicinal,” Steve said, his throat sounding raw. 

“Yeah, the kind you guys have? Not medicinal.”

“We kind of figured that out,” Bruce said, wiping away tears from his red eyes. 

“So for the record, I don’t care what you guys put into your bodies when you’re adults, the 90s are mostly a blur for me, I get it, but right now you’re kids and I’m responsible for you, so this? This doesn’t happen again,” Tony said. 

“That was the last of it, anyway,” Natasha said, grinning. “We only had twenty bucks left to spend.”

“We’d already spent the rest on gumballs,” Thor said proudly.

“I’m gonna give you guys a lot of shit for this when you grow up, just so you know,” Tony said. 

“Do you think when we grow up, like, our cells will still be the same?” Bruce said. “Or will they be totally different grown up versions of the cells that we have _right now_?”

“What’s a cell?” Thor said, and they all _totally_ _lost it_.

“Aaaand it’s time for you to go to bed,” Tony said.

-

When Tony got to breakfast the next morning, the kids were arguing.

It was kind of hard to follow - they all used slightly different slang, and wouldn’t stop talking over each other, and anyway Tony was only on his first cup of coffee so his comprehension skills hovered around 20% at best - but eventually he heard Steve snap, “Shut _up_ , Barton.”

  
Tony looked up blearily. “Hey. What’s the deal?”

“Nothing,” at least three of them said in unison.

“Doesn’t sound like nothing.”

“Clint was saying that young Steve has - ” Thor started, but then Natasha’s little elbow darted out and nailed him, right in the ribs. “Oh! Good aim, milady.”

“Nothing’s going on, sir,” Steve said.

“Yeah,” Clint said with a snort, “but you’d _like_ it to be.”

With a screech of chair leg on wood floor, Steve stood up. “I told you to shut up.”

“Hey, come on, don’t get your tightey whiteys in a twist,” Clint said. “There’s nothing wrong with liking dudes, and the way he looks at you, I think he probably has a crush on adult you, too.”

“I’m sorry, am I missing something?” Tony said.

“No,” Steve said quickly.

“Steve _likes_ you,” Clint said.

Steve dove across the table, pulled back his tiny little fist, and punched Clint in the face.

And look, Tony liked a good old-fashioned teenager cagefight as much as the next guy and he didn’t think Clint would do anything to hurt the kid, but he had a feeling allowing a fistfight wasn’t exactly by-the-book parenting; in one motion, he grabbed Steve by the back of his shirt and hauled him away from Clint, mid-swing.

“Damn, Steve, you can throw a punch!” Clint said, rubbing his jaw and looking impressed. “No wonder that guy grows up to be a superhero.” 

“Let me _go_ ,” Steve snarled.

“Nope,” Tony said while 90 pounds of future supersoldier windmilled in Clint’s general direction. “He could crush you like a bug if he wanted to. Luckily for you, Clint doesn’t hit people when he’s not getting paid for it.”

“Sounds about right,” Clint said agreeably.

“I can take him. I’ve fought bigger fellas!”

“No offense, but I’ve read your biography, and you got beat up a _lot_ ,” Tony said.

“This is what I’m talking about!” Clint said. “He’s read your _biography_? Who reads their bro’s biography? Also, it’s weird that you have a biography, isn’t grown up you only like 30? Anyway, maybe you’re totally doing it in your adult form!”

“Can we not,” Tony started loudly.

“Chill out, Tony,” Clint said. “It’s not like you’re doing it _now_. I mean, sixteen _is_ the age of consent in some states, so even if you are - ”

“This conversation is not happening,” Tony said miserably.

“By the way, if anybody needs condoms, I found some in my room,” Clint said. “Like, a lot. I mean _really_ a lot, I must be getting laid a _ton_ \- ”

“How has no one killed him yet?” Natasha said wonderingly. 

“They’ve tried,” Tony said. “A lot. And when he grows up I might join the list of attempts.”

Steve, tiny though he was, took advantage of Tony’s momentary homicidal urge and yanked himself out of Tony’s grip. He would have made it all the way to Clint, too, if Natasha hadn’t stuck her leg out and tripped him.

He went sprawling, a tangle of scrawny arms and knobbly knees that was about as far from the peak of human perfection as anything Tony had ever seen. It wasn’t _at all_ funny, Tony told himself firmly. The other kids all seemed to be telling themselves the same thing, with mixed success if the choked giggles filling the room were any sign.

“Aw, jeez,” Clint said, reaching out and grabbing Steve’s elbow to pull him up, because Clint, it turned out, was the only one of them who was truly a good bro. “You okay?”

“I’m fine,” Steve said, sticking his chin out and yanking his arm away from Clint. “If you’ll excuse me.”

And he stormed away.

“You shouldn’t’a tripped him,” Clint said.

“He’s fine,” Natasha dismissed. 

“Should someone go after him?” Bruce said uncertainly.

“Just let him cool off,” Tony said.

Clint shrugged and went back to his breakfast. “I wasn’t trying to give him a hard time.”

“Yes you were,” Natasha said.

“I mean, only a little,” Clint said.

-

Even before he became a babysitter to the stars, Tony had about six different full-time jobs, and _all_ of them were suffering as a result of the newest and most exhausting one. Pepper was sympathetic to his plight, and he’d mostly been able to appease her with photos he snuck of the kids (several of which she had promised to get framed and delivered to the Tower as soon as things were back to normal), but by late in the afternoon even her patience was wearing thin, so Tony went down to the workshop to make a few of the new models that he’d promised to her, oh, three weeks ago.

“Dum-E, I swear, one of these days I’m going to paint a clown face on you and then everyone will know the truth, you are a mess, seriously - who’s at the door, J?” Tony said, not looking up at the knock.

“Captain Rogers,” JARVIS said.

Tony smothered a wince. “Come on in.”

Steve pushed the door open. “Sorry for interrupting you.”

“Totally fine, nothing important going on here,” Tony said. “What’s up?”

Steve pulled himself to his full height, which was significantly less impressive than usual. “I wanted to apologize for my behavior earlier. It was unacceptable. I’ll be apologizing to Clint, too.”

“No apology needed,” Tony said. “Clint’s a dick. He doesn’t mean it, though.”

“I meant I’m sorry if I made you uncomfortable.”

“You didn’t,” Tony said. “Not at all. Never been less uncomfortable in my life. Dictionary definition of comfortable? See: Tony Stark.”

“Okay,” Steve said. “And, uh - I have to guess that my older self will be appreciative if we don’t mention what happened earlier today. Ever.”

“My lips are sealed,” Tony said, biting back a smile. 

“Thanks,” Steve said, looking relieved. “So, what are you working on? That looks pretty - ”

“Excuse me, sir,” JARVIS said. “I believe you should know that two members of the team are currently alone.”

“Uh,” Tony said. “Okay.”

“Behind closed doors.”

“And?” 

“While I do not have non-emergency surveillance access to Agent Romanov’s quarters,” JARVIS said, “I _can_ tell you that her and Master Odinson’s heat signatures are… very close. To each other.”

Tony’s eyes widened. “No.”

“Possibly,” JARVIS said, sounding sympathetic.

“Heat signatures?” Steve said blankly.

“You stay here,” Tony said, heading for the door. His brain was working very, very fast to come up with a scenario that did not result in Natasha removing at least one of his balls when she was back to normal. 

“What’s wrong?” Steve said. “Is it an emergency? What do you need me to do?”

“Nothing!” Tony said. “It’s not an emergency. It’s - JARVIS, whaddya think, fire alarm?”

“I can’t recommend it, sir,” JARVIS said. “The mass confusion and potential for outsider intrusion…”

“You’re right, you’re right,” Tony said, sliding into the elevator with Steve hot on his heels. “Hey, pipsqueak, what did I say, don’t follow me.”

“If something’s wrong with Natasha and Thor, I want to be there,” Steve said firmly, and his stubbornness was so endearing and also _so annoying_. 

“There’s nothing wrong with them,” Tony said, getting out of the elevator on Nat and Clint’s floor. “What I’m worried about is that something is a little too _right_ with them.”

“What’s going on?” Clint said from the couch, where he and Bruce were playing what appeared to be GTA.

“Oh good, everyone’s here,” Tony said wearily, beginning the long, torturous walk to Natasha’s bedroom door. When he reached it, his hand hovered over the door, weighing his options. “Natasha? Thor? Are you in there?”

There was no answer.

“Whats up?” Clint said, joining Tony and Steve in the hallway.

“Absolutely nothing, hopefully,” Tony said. “Guys? I’m gonna need you to answer me.”

The room was as quiet as a room with teenagers in it could be, which Tony knew was not good news. Well. If you were one of the teenagers in question, it was _very_ good news, but if you were their harassed teammate-turned-legal-guardian, it was not good news _at all_.

“Okay,” Tony said. “Last warning. I’m coming in.” He waited, hoping against hope, and then thunked his head against the door. “JARVIS, emergency override code Stark 49059 - _okay my eyes are closed but I’m opening this door right now, you two!_ ”

“Calm down,” Natasha said, yanking open the door.

From inside the room, Thor, who was laying on her bed - fully clothed, thank god - waved cheerily. “Greetings.”

“Um,” Tony said. “Hi. Is everything okay in here?”

“Just fine,” Natasha said, without emotion.

“Uh, were you two - you know - were you - ”

“Making out?” Clint said with a shit-eating grin.

Natasha rolled her eyes. “Obviously.”

“Jesus christ,” Tony said. “Guys, we can’t have that. Your adult selves will _not_ be happy.”

“I can assure you he won’t mind,” Thor said smugly. 

“I thought you said you’d rather make out with a warthog than any of us,” Steve said, folding his arms across his chest.

“I lied,” Natasha said. “He’s cute.”

“I’m honored, milady,” Thor said, bowing his head.

“It’s just kissing,” Natasha said. “I’m 16, not stupid.”

“I have condoms if you need them,” Clint said.

“No one is getting condoms, no one is doing anything that needs condoms, no one should even know what condoms _are_ , you guys are _kids,_ this conversation is _not happening_.”

“Are you trying to make me ashamed of my sexuality?” Natasha said, the little _brat_. 

“Not at all,” Tony said. “As soon as you’re eighteen you can sleep with anybody in New York, hell, you can sleep with _everybody_ in New York, but under my roof, it’s _my_ rules, and I say no boys in your room with the door closed, do you understand me?”

Natasha rolled her eyes. “Okay, _Dad_.”

Clint snickered.

“Thor, out of there,” Tony snapped, and Thor jumped out of bed and sauntered out of the room. “Same goes for you. For all of you! The rules apply across the board. JARVIS will be watching. Capisce? Great. Back to your regularly scheduled teenagering.”

“Man,” Clint said under his breath as Tony stalked away. “He’s strict.”

-

“Dinner!” Tony called out, and tensed.

There was a moment of silence, and then - loudly - the sounds of five teenagers pounding up the stairs, dropping Xbox controllers, and just generally causing mayhem on their way to the dining room.

“Oh, sweet, breadsticks!” Clint said, snagging one and eating half of it before he even sat down.

“That’s my seat,” Natasha said, and Clint hopped up like he’d been burned.

“Has anybody seen my glasses?” Bruce said, frowning as he walked carefully into the room.

“No,” Thor said innocently. 

“Thor hid them in the planter,” Steve said, brushing dirt off them as he handed them back to Bruce.

“ _Why_?” Bruce grumbled.

“Because it amused me,” Thor said. 

“Asshole,” Clint said.

“Verily.”

“No name calling at the table,” Tony said. 

“It’s not name calling if it’s true,” Clint said.

“That’s a made up rule,” Tony said. 

“You make up rules all the time!” Clint argued.

“That’s because I’m the adult and you’re the kid,” Tony said. “If I ever get turned into a teenager, you can make up as many rules as you want for me. Bruce, can you please pass the salad? Clint, elbows off the table, circus table manners don’t apply here. Thor, slow down, buddy, it’s not going anywhere.”

“Seconds!” Thor said through a mouth full of pasta.

“Thor, wanna race to see who can eat more breadsticks?” Clint said.

“Ye - ”

“No,” Tony said.

“You never let us do anything fun,” Clint whined. “Why don’t you ever - ”

There was a loud _popping_ noise, like a bunch of balloons exploding all at once, and Tony was suddenly surrounded by five adult Avengers.

“Whoa,” Clint said.

“Oh thank fucking _god_ ,” Tony said, dropping his face into his hands. 

“That was… odd,” Thor said, and then he threw back his head and laughed. “And extremely amusing!” 

“Do you guys remember everything?” Tony said.

“Unfortunately,” Bruce said with a wince.

“Dude, I can’t believe you two made out!” Clint said, pointing at Natasha and Thor and then bursting into laughter.

“We would have done more than that if Papa Stark hadn’t interrupted,” Natasha said, putting out her hand to high five Thor.

“Yeah, you were a _super_ overbearing parent,” Clint said. 

“You guys took ten years off my life,” Tony said. “You ran away, you screamed, you cried, you ignored all the rules that I put in place to _protect_ you - ”

“We bought _weed_ ,” Bruce said wonderingly. 

“So badass,” Clint said smugly.

“You got in fights, you were mean to each other, you were _loud_ \- ”

“We were _teenagers_ ,” Steve said. He leaned back and smirked, which was pretty bold of him considering his shirt was now seventeen sizes too small. “Actually, it was pretty fun.”

“Should we do it again sometime?” Natasha said.

“Next time I’m dropping you off at Fury’s place and not looking back,” Tony said.

The kids - sorry, his _teammates_ \- all finished eating quickly and disappeared off to presumably do adult things (Tony tried not to think about how much he knew about Clint’s massive stash of condoms) and left their dishes behind. “Unbelievable,” Tony grumbled, carrying everything to the sink. “Am I stuck being the dad forever or something?”

“I hope not,” Steve said, leaning against the doorway in normal-sized clothes.

Tony turned on the hot water. “You good?”

“I’m good,” Steve said easily. “Are _you_ good?”

“I want to sleep for a week,” Tony said. 

“You earned it,” Steve said. He picked up a sponge and started scrubbing. “So, sixteen year old me had a crush on you, huh?”

“Oh, god, I thought we agreed never to speak of this,” Tony groaned.

“Come on, it’s funny,” Steve said, elbowing him. 

“It’s funny for _you_ , sure,” Tony said. “ _I_ had to defend myself against accusations of lechery!” 

“You were nice to me about it.”

“It wasn’t your fault I was the most attractive adult around,” Tony said. “Anyway, you were a cute kid. A little big for your britches sometimes. But cute.” 

“We’re okay, right?” Steve said.

“Are we - what, yes, of course we’re okay, why would we not be okay?”

“Because I’m guessing meeting me at sixteen wasn’t exactly a turn on,” Steve said.

“Not at all, but now that you’re a ridiculously attractive grown man again, we are back in business,” Tony said, swatting Steve’s ridiculously attractive grown man ass and pressing a kiss to the corner of his lips. “I’m guessing you won’t want to call me Daddy anymore though, huh?”

“I never wanted to call you Daddy,” Steve said, sliding his soapy hands around Tony’s waist.

“But you would have, if I’d suggested it.”

“Probably gonna have to put that one back on the shelf for a while.”

“Yeah, that’s fair.”


End file.
